FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML

by homewrecker / 11/08/2009 at 10:39am / United States / Love

Today, I was at a barbecue. I picked up a piece of cake and began complaining to the man next to me about how horrible it tasted. "It tastes like a s***!" I said. His wife baked it. FML

by Cakeman / 11/08/2009 at 10:03am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking through the store when I saw a little boy point to me and say something to his mom. I was out of earshot at the time, but I got close enough just in time to hear the mom reply, "God says we have to love everyone, even if they're ugly." FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2009 at 8:53am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the movies with the guy I have been in love with for a long time. I laid my head on his shoulder and he held my hand throughout the movie. Afterwards he asked me for advice on the girl he likes. Apparently she isn't talking to him anymore. FML

by SkySkyChan / 11/08/2009 at 5:36am / United States (Florida) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

by birdbath / 11/08/2009 at 2:26am / United States (Minnesota) / Animals

Today, I got an email from my cute teacher about reminding us to bring stuff for the next lesson. As a joke I clicked on reply and wrote about how I think he is so cute and handsome. Right then and there I clicked to go look at other messages. A little box came up..."MESSAGE SENT". FML

by mylifereallysuks / 11/08/2009 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

by lessinterestingthanadog / 11/08/2009 at 12:28am / United States (Rhode Island) / Animals

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

by LifeSucks / 11/07/2009 at 11:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2009 at 11:04pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a petting zoo with my niece and nephew. While we were checking out the llamas, one of them spit directly into my face. Disgusted and embarrassed, we turned away to pet a deer. The deer immediately urinated then shook its tail which splattered it into my face. FML

by shando / 11/07/2009 at 9:13pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

by AuntSucka / 11/07/2009 at 8:35pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

by oldlady / 11/07/2009 at 7:38pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

by sexysue / 11/07/2009 at 5:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy