FMLs submitted from United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

by ThatTrafficCone / 10/04/2009 at 1:48am / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. FML

by masterfail / 10/04/2009 at 1:04am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I got invited to a big upperclassmen party that underclassmen don't normally get invited to. I was feeling really good when I got there and saw that the girl I'm in love with was there. They stole my pants and gave me a swirly. Her reaction was to post pictures on Facebook. FML

by wetandpantsless / 10/04/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my Homecoming dance. I had a great time until some fat girl kept trying to dance with my date, even though he politely asked her to stop. I decided to intervene. I found myself pinned to the floor by a fat girl crushing on my date, who was cheering her on as she tackled me. FML

by Anonymous / 10/04/2009 at 12:06am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2009 at 10:56pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2009 at 9:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the doctors and was told I would need an inhaler. My mom came back from the pharmacy and told me the copay of $35 dollars was way too expensive, so she is making me use my cat's old inhaler. My mom values my cat's ability to breathe more then my own. FML

by juliasaman / 10/03/2009 at 7:17pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

by diva467 / 10/03/2009 at 2:41pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2009 at 1:55pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (California) / Holidays

Today, my 9 year old little sister is coming back in town with the rest of my family. She specifically asked me to feed her fish. I totally forgot until she called me 10 minutes ago to tell me she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see her fishie. He's dead. FML

by deadfish / 10/03/2009 at 12:28pm / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, during the opening night performance of our schools musical, while I wasn't on stage I decided to use the restroom. I came out to find two of my fellow actresses putting their hands over my mouth. Apparently, I had left my microphone on and everyone heard me using the restroom. FML

by Porcelain / 10/03/2009 at 9:47am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2009 at 8:29am / United States (California) / Transportation