FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me. FML

by whysheheartless / 11/03/2009 at 2:24am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML

by LC / 11/03/2009 at 2:06am / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. Half naked. I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. FML

by HadToApologize / 11/03/2009 at 12:20am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a date, and within the first five minutes, he said, "Before we go any further and get anymore serious, you need to know a few things, I have kissed a guy drunk because it was a dare, and have a $400 silk rose Victoria's Secret blanket." FML

by Shawty / 11/02/2009 at 10:41pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had it off. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2009 at 9:17pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I got a letter confirming I had dropped out of college. I received this letter shortly after completing the 10th essay I had finished this week as a result of me deciding to finally apply myself to my schoolwork. Turns out that while dropping a class, I checked Drop All instead of Drop 1. FML

by Rman / 11/02/2009 at 5:35pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML

by konichiwa / 11/02/2009 at 5:03pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went to a family counseling session because my parents are getting a divorce. I told the counselor that I feel guilty because I feel like I caused it. She says that there is no way I could have caused it, that it's my parents' problem when my mom interrupts her to say "Yes she did." FML

by problemchild / 11/02/2009 at 4:05pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 7 year old brother decided that it would be fun to cut off my hair. I woke from a long nap after working the late shift, to about 15 inches of my long blonde hair all over my bed and floor. I now have bloody bald spots and really choppy hair about 3 inches long. He got away with it. FML

by baldygirl / 11/02/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find a very gorgeous girl in my bed. Her only words to me were "did anything happen?" When I replied yes she began to cry. Nice to know I was someone's rock bottom. FML

by feelthelove / 11/02/2009 at 1:08pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

by whatthef / 11/02/2009 at 1:06pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter was kind of cute, so I had to say something non-standard. When she greeted me with her hello, I replied "Guess what I need from you today?" She looked at me, considered, and replied "An eyebrow wax?" FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2009 at 12:48pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

by parched / 11/02/2009 at 12:30pm / United States (Indiana) / Money