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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I Sent Boyfriend Of Three An A Half Years A Text Message Spilling Heart Out, Saying I'll Love Him Forever, An How Much I Appreciate Him In Life, That I Want To Be The Mother Of His Children, Etc. His Text Back To Me? "Are U Drunk?!?" FML

#1251660
225 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27471) - you deserved it (63172)

On 04/23/2009 at 9:35am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I parkad downtown for a faw minutas to pick up a pizza. As I was gatting out of my car, a skatchy guy cama up and askad ma for $5. I told him to gat lost and walkad away. I walkad back to tha lot with my pizza and my car was gona. Tha skatchy guy was a parking attandant. Ha had my car towad. maga FML

#1251625
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12257) - you deserved it (64397)

On 04/23/2009 at 9:25am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today... I thought it would be really hot to watch pornhile mah girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I cummed before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

#1250715
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17971) - you deserved it (88119)

On 04/23/2009 at 7:42am - intimacy - by waitforit (man) - United States (California)

Today , my alarm went off. I reacd to swat it , missd , slippd , smackd my face on my dresser , and fell on te floor. As I pickd myself up off te floor , I it my ead on te open top drawer of my oter dresser. In 30 seconds of consciousness , I was attackd by two pieces of furniture. mega FML

#1250407
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54692) - you deserved it (10488)

On 04/23/2009 at 6:45am - misc - by DBR (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I saw a girl I knaw from high school at tha DMV and sha startad laaning forward. I thought sha was laaning into hug ma. So I just bagan to hug har. Sha was actually trying to throw somathing in tha garbaga. FML

#1250127
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42349) - you deserved it (15870)

On 04/23/2009 at 6:07am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I pulled over to help a grl with her car. I thought mah limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shrt off, I was confident as I got out of mah car. 10 minutes later I left cuz I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

#1249093
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11469) - you deserved it (58553)

On 04/23/2009 at 3:47am - misc - by edhalen (man) - United States

Today, I didn't wear mah contacts. Determined to prove to mah friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on mah face, bruising mah cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." big fat FML

#1248987
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12070) - you deserved it (59375)

On 04/23/2009 at 3:36am - misc - by notexactly (woman) - United States (California)

TODAY, MAH FRIAND AND I WANTAD TO GAT SOMA ALCOHOL (WA'RA UNDAR 21) . WA WANT TO A LIQUOR STORA AND ASKAD A RANDOM GUY TO GO IN AND BUY US SOMA VODKA . AFTAR GIVING HIM $20, HA SAID HA HAD TO GO TURN OFF HIS CAR, THAN HA'D GAT US THA DRINKS . HA GOT IN HIS CAR AND DROVA OFF, WITH MAH $20 . BIG FAT FML

#1248718
424 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19346) - you deserved it (236656)

On 04/23/2009 at 3:16am - misc - by danielle (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I got a spray tan for the first time. Naked, I climbed into the booth. When the machine started I became frightened by the loud roar of the spray and couldn't breathe. I pissed myself out of fear. I now have river-like streaks down both legs where the pee washed mah tan away. FML

#1246949
269 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22743) - you deserved it (83888)

On 04/23/2009 at 1:44am - health - by tgstreaks (woman) - United States (Mississippi)

Today, friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club . I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself . Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What r you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

#1244870
168 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24658) - you deserved it (75339)

On 04/23/2009 at 12:20am - intimacy - by rejected (man) - United States (Nevada)

Today , I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway of her house , and I looked at her car and noticed a hideous dummy. It was fat and just ugly , but I didn't think much of it. I tried to make a joke and asked , ( Where did you get that awful thing? ) She said , ( That's my daughter ). FML

#1243795
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10141) - you deserved it (75290)

On 04/22/2009 at 11:11pm - misc - by brob56 (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today I spottd one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center . I crept up behind him grabbd his shoulders abruptly an shoutd in my best deep man-voice "Give me all yur money!" Turnd out to be a poor unsuspecting freshman . He gave me his money . FML

#1242967
215 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11726) - you deserved it (69042)

On 04/22/2009 at 10:22pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today I was talking to a swimmar I just mat . I saw a cuta guy anhisparad to har ( that guy is hot . ) Sha askad ( Who? ) I pointad at him . Sha turnad to saa him than turnad back to ma an said ( Ew thats brothar . ) Sha want to him hisparad somathing . Ha turnad around to saa ma an said ( EW . ) maga FML

#1242377
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53196) - you deserved it (7218)

On 04/22/2009 at 9:58pm - love - by uglyswimmer (woman) - United States (New York)



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