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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was at the gym with my friends when they invited me to do a few bench presses. Since I'd never done any before, I decided to start with no weights on the bar and work my way up from there. I wound up pinned beneath the bar, calling for my friend to come free me. FML

#867922
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45618) - you deserved it (21078)

On 04/08/2009 at 7:17am - misc - by MarcusJones713 (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

#867771
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67387) - you deserved it (4736)

On 04/08/2009 at 6:26am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

#867066
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67666) - you deserved it (11214)

On 04/08/2009 at 3:19am - love - by DL06 (woman) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

#866665
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20236) - you deserved it (73171)

On 04/08/2009 at 2:38am - misc - by thatwasmiz (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my boss informed me that it is now my responsibility to wash the dishes, since my co-workers are consistently too lazy to clean up after themselves. I have a bachelor's degree. Which I earned at the same university I now work at. FML

#866352
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49921) - you deserved it (5642)

On 04/08/2009 at 2:08am - work - by aeterne (woman) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

#865761
170 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8653) - you deserved it (102290)

On 04/08/2009 at 1:18am - misc - by jerkgirl (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

#864808
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9323) - you deserved it (61320)

On 04/08/2009 at 12:34am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

#863008
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53945) - you deserved it (3099)

On 04/07/2009 at 10:53pm - love - by 4gottenmemories (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because apparently I need to "grow up". He is the one who plays excesive Call of Duty and still has Pokémon and Bionicles in his room. FML

#856956
468 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59151) - you deserved it (20237)

On 04/07/2009 at 5:41pm - love - by phreshrice (man) - United States (Iowa)

Today, we had a school assembly at 7:00 pm about drinking and driving. There was a cop doing a demonstration of a field sobriety test on stage. I was randomly selected to perform a breathalyzer test in front of all the students and parents. I blew 0.06. FML

#855959
267 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22595) - you deserved it (94497)

On 04/07/2009 at 4:44pm - health - by schoolgrlstaci (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

#853708
235 comments

I agree, your life sucks (92175) - you deserved it (27510)

On 04/07/2009 at 2:37pm - work - by aviators (woman) - United States (Virginia)



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