FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my dad's girlfriend threw me a birthday party and all the gifts, decorations, and the cake were according to my age, which they thought was 12. I turned 13 today. FML

by Saphira / 11/11/2009 at 1:43am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

by carsuck / 11/11/2009 at 12:55am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, at school, I got stuck in the elevator and was about to panic before I remembered I had my phone. I called my mother and she called the school to tell them that I was stuck. They got me out in a few minutes and then confiscated my phone and gave me two detentions for using it in school. FML

by noexceptions / 11/11/2009 at 12:16am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

by prayforme / 11/10/2009 at 8:52pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2009 at 7:28pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got wasted at a party and went out to my car to get something. I went back to the house and realized I got locked out. After knocking on the door, ringing the doorbell, and shouting "LET ME INNNN" my friend called and asked where I was. That's when I realized I was at the wrong house. FML

by Abby / 11/10/2009 at 7:10pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was jumping on every crunchy leaf on the sidewalk. I went especially far out of my way to step on one only to notice it didn't crunch right. I looked closer, it was a dead bird. FML

by mhmohyeah / 11/10/2009 at 6:05pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I received a call offering me a job with the census bureau. I applied for this job 6 months ago while I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay where I was. Since I didn't get the job, I was evicted from my apartment, got on public assistance, and moved from North Carolina to Florida with my mother. FML

by GillyPirate / 11/10/2009 at 6:04pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2009 at 5:57pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2009 at 2:18pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

by jobless / 11/10/2009 at 2:16pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, I talked to my crush for twenty minutes at Wal-mart. Then I realized I forgot to take off my Weight Watchers meeting nametag. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2009 at 12:53pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

by ughhhh / 11/10/2009 at 12:04pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous