FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2010 at 2:18am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He says "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

by mandiballz / 01/12/2010 at 1:46am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

by cold-n-stinky / 01/12/2010 at 1:30am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, we got our family pictures back from the printers. I complained to my mom about the ones she picked. "Oh don't worry," she said. "I had them photoshop out your gut." I was talking about my smile. FML

by Me / 01/12/2010 at 12:11am / United States (Montana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

by brileyyyy / 01/11/2010 at 10:40pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I woke up at 3am because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2010 at 8:40pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2010 at 1:08pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

by bs_happens / 01/11/2010 at 10:28am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

by wrecked / 01/11/2010 at 8:43am / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

by krisx3ftw / 01/11/2010 at 8:25am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2010 at 3:09am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend asked for me to come to her. Then move my head in close to her and close my eyes. Expecting a sweet and romantic kiss I positioned my lips for my surprise. My surprise wasn't a kiss, instead it was a nice crunchy booger she placed in my mouth with her finger. FML

by TattedAsian / 01/11/2010 at 2:28am / United States (Missouri) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML

by Pauper / 01/11/2010 at 2:20am / United States (Connecticut) / Money