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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

#194901
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43598) - you deserved it (11298)

On 03/03/2009 at 11:51am - misc - by bluedevil26 (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my parents left for work before I had to leave for school and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rings and I pick up. It's my Mom, calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

#194892
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7723) - you deserved it (85737)

On 03/03/2009 at 11:49am - misc - by noway6000 - United States (Virginia)

Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, "Now isn't a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes." FML

#194766
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (94638) - you deserved it (5771)

On 03/03/2009 at 11:20am - intimacy - by hlev24 (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

#194587
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (71509) - you deserved it (20078)

On 03/03/2009 at 10:38am - misc - by asdfasdf - United States (Virginia)

Today, I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, knocking me down once more. FML

#193845
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39053) - you deserved it (11643)

On 03/03/2009 at 4:22am - misc - by tracelee - United States (California)

Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

#193676
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50959) - you deserved it (3322)

On 03/03/2009 at 3:26am - work - by nicooolea (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was sitting in traffic for about an hour. I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. Midway through I hear a tap on my driver's window. Its a police officer. FML

#192974
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27951) - you deserved it (137901)

On 03/03/2009 at 1:29am - intimacy - by imanidiot (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

#192617
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42746) - you deserved it (5343)

On 03/03/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by lucy (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

#192383
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46033) - you deserved it (4884)

On 03/03/2009 at 12:37am - misc - by buryuntime (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

#190354
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35386) - you deserved it (30292)

On 03/02/2009 at 10:21pm - love - by badtrip (man) - United States (District of Columbia)

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

#190335
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42998) - you deserved it (6859)

On 03/02/2009 at 10:20pm - misc - by nerd (man) - United States (Kansas)

Today, my parents refused to visit me at college because "the flights are too expensive." They are currently shopping for a new car to replace my mother's two-year-old Porsche. FML

#188940
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (74189) - you deserved it (3461)

On 03/02/2009 at 8:57pm - money - by Vahootie (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

#187755
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52190) - you deserved it (2271)

On 03/02/2009 at 7:36pm - misc - by lexibabe (woman) - United States



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