FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML

by xXxJoe16xXx / 12/01/2009 at 4:11pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

by sassman / 12/01/2009 at 2:49pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML

by Jen / 12/01/2009 at 12:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML

by AprilFlowers / 12/01/2009 at 12:15pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

by HP_22 / 12/01/2009 at 11:17am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I cleaned out my husband's drawer. He had kept every love letter I wrote him for the past 7 years. I smiled, struck by how romantic he was. My bliss was short-lived as I realized that he had also kept every single love letter his other lovers wrote him while we were married. FML

by loveletterbullcrap09 / 12/01/2009 at 3:22am / United States / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of dishes, I picked up the cat and put it outside. She got scared from the blinds and scurried away leaving deep scratches across my nipple. I wasn't wearing a shirt. FML

by ihatecats / 12/01/2009 at 2:05am / United States / Health

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

by Rob / 12/01/2009 at 1:57am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

by toastedguy / 12/01/2009 at 12:00am / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, I left my friend this big Facebook wall comment about how adorable his son is. Just after posting, I read the other peoples' comments and find out that it's his daughter. FML

by PntsLessWonder / 11/30/2009 at 11:53pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, my apartment complex added $250 to the $1,000 my roomate and I already owe because of an unauthorized pet and complaints from neighbors that our dog barks all night long. We don't have a dog, we don't even have a pet. FML

by cande / 11/30/2009 at 10:22pm / United States (Kentucky) / Money

Today, at 4am, I remembered that I had not studied for my Spanish exam. I panicked, jumped out of bed, and frantically began searching for my notebook. It wasn't until I destroyed my desk and woke up my roommate that I realized that I'm not enrolled in Spanish this semester. It was a nightmare. FML

by Stressmess / 11/30/2009 at 7:19pm / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2009 at 4:35pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous