FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my dad tried to convince my mother to stay with him. "Think of all the great times we've had," he said and started naming off quite a few. Too bad none of them were about the three kids they had together, all were vacations. FML

by Mers / 02/10/2010 at 9:32am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2010 at 7:23am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

by ... / 02/10/2010 at 4:08am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2010 at 2:54am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

by LoveStruck- / 02/10/2010 at 2:29am / United States / Love

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

by AUDONEE / 02/10/2010 at 1:39am / United States (District of Columbia) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

by evecamp / 02/10/2010 at 12:09am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

by nichaneely / 02/09/2010 at 10:32pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

by caughttt / 02/09/2010 at 9:52pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

by conchita / 02/09/2010 at 8:16pm / United States (Indiana) / Health

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

by Anonymous / 02/09/2010 at 7:56pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

by fbcaught / 02/09/2010 at 1:52pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

by safariboo / 02/09/2010 at 10:43am / United States (Texas) / Love