FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my date kissed me after our second date. The way he leaned towards my mouth was very romantic. He's pretty tall, so I stretched myself as high as possible to make the kiss as passionate as possible. That's how I ended up belching into his mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 6:23pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:45pm / United States (Idaho) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

by Nobody / 11/27/2009 at 4:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:09pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I got in a hotel elevator. There was a kid in there also. He got off on the 3rd floor. As he was stepping from the elevator, he decided to press every single button. It's a 35 floor hotel. My room is on the 32nd floor. FML

by w0rstdayever / 11/27/2009 at 3:01pm / United States (New York) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was at a dinner with my dad's girlfriend's family. I met this guy who I found kind of cute and tried to talk to him a couple times. To avoid talking to me he started playing his PSP. I could see the screen perfectly and the PSP was clearly off. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 11:43am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got no happy birthday wishes from anyone. I decided to call my sister to see if she'd remembered. My 6-year-old niece answered, so I told her it was my birthday. She said that it's tomorrow. After ten minutes of arguing with a 6-year-old, I checked the calendar. It's tomorrow. FML

by forgotmyownbirthday / 11/27/2009 at 9:26am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 9:13am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

by anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:20am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I received the sweetest love letter from my boyfriend after having a bad day. After gushing about it and reading it to my friends, they said it reminded them of a letter that they'd seen online. He got it from a fill-in-the-blank love letter generator. FML

by Duped / 11/27/2009 at 3:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

by fml...really / 11/27/2009 at 2:45am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

by obsessed / 11/27/2009 at 12:12am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath. A wasp somehow got in, and stung me on the nuts. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2009 at 11:26pm / United States (California) / Animals