FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML

by whattheshit / 11/26/2009 at 9:19am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I complained to my boyfriend that I was stressed out. He asked me then "What do you have to be stressed out about?" I work 50 hours a week and go to school full time. I ask him what was stressful about his day, he told me that his "kill/death ratio went down on Call of Duty". FML

by amy1023 / 11/26/2009 at 5:18am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML

by MouseChaser / 11/26/2009 at 4:22am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my parents and I went to the movies for my mom's birthday. After the movie, my mom and dad got into a fight, and left me at the movies. My cell phone was dead, and my house was about 12 miles away. They finally came and picked me up, hours later. FML

by moviewalker / 11/26/2009 at 1:18am / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

by ehwat / 11/26/2009 at 12:31am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I was feeling confident enough to approach a guy by asking the bartender if I could buy him a refill of whatever he was drinking. He was drinking water. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2009 at 10:28pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

by IlikeGreenPlants / 11/25/2009 at 9:41pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the happy sacks. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2009 at 9:09pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

by NotSoSexy / 11/25/2009 at 7:39pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

by CombatShadow45 / 11/25/2009 at 5:39pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

by saywhatnow / 11/25/2009 at 3:26pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking into the building I hoped to work in someday with my resume, ready to be interviewed. As I walked through the doors I had to sneeze, so lifted my hands and sneezed a huge bloody booger right in the middle of the cover page. Turns out future employers don't like that. FML

by ZombieLicker / 11/25/2009 at 3:25pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I put on my hazard lights, pulled over to the side of the road, and stopped traffic on a busy road to rescue a black cat that had been hit by a car. With everyone watching, I got a towel and slowly approached the cat. It was a garbage bag. FML