FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML

by bcca / 02/13/2010 at 9:22am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2010 at 3:47am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2010 at 2:22am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2010 at 12:48am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

by Chris / 02/13/2010 at 12:04am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I caught my boyfriend of 8 years cheating on me. I punched him in the face, he broke up with me. And I still had to cook him an entire turkey dinner. FML

by Pushover / 02/12/2010 at 10:30pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

by rashree / 02/12/2010 at 8:34pm / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2010 at 7:22pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

by ummmmEW / 02/12/2010 at 7:04pm / United States (Michigan) / Transportation

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

by blacklove / 02/12/2010 at 3:19pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

by justmyluck / 02/12/2010 at 2:34pm / United States / Health

Today, someone thought it would be funny to switch the signs on the bathroom doors. Fortunately, I knew which was the men's and went on in. The startled old woman inside, however, did not. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2010 at 2:30pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

by RaceCar / 02/12/2010 at 2:24pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous