FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

by justine / 12/13/2009 at 11:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

by cagel / 12/13/2009 at 5:12am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2009 at 3:39am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

by Anon / 12/13/2009 at 2:36am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I finished moving cross-country and signed a 13 month lease to be closer to my on-again / off-again boyfriend of the past five years. I showed up at his place to borrow his truck just as his "local" girlfriend was leaving. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2009 at 2:22am / United States (Nevada) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

by soy_un_perderdor / 12/13/2009 at 2:14am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

by teeeessst / 12/13/2009 at 1:26am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I woke up to find myself drenched in piss after a long night of drinking. I immediately sprang into action, tossing my bedding in the washer and hopping into the shower. Running late for work, I threw on a nice dress and got into my car. Guess who also peed in the drivers seat? FML

by eggnoodles / 12/13/2009 at 12:44am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my boyfriend finger me for the first time. Today, I also learned, after fifteen very, very long minutes of it, how to fake an orgasm. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2009 at 12:19am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

by Normal / 12/12/2009 at 11:39pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out why two of my friends race downstairs to each other to the cafeteria everyday at lunch; apparently there's only one free seat at the table with the rest of their friends, and the loser has to eat lunch with me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2009 at 6:16pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

by Icci / 12/12/2009 at 5:54pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss' 13 year old son. FML

by ash203 / 12/12/2009 at 4:38pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous