FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2010 at 7:40pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, while babysitting a six year old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his pants/undies and pointed to his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

by Michele / 01/17/2010 at 7:32pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

by Jac / 01/17/2010 at 2:59pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

by mapleleafs34 / 01/17/2010 at 2:24pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML

by ChubbyTubby / 01/17/2010 at 1:13pm / United States (Georgia) / Geek

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

by russty / 01/17/2010 at 12:45pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2010 at 10:18am / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2010 at 8:44am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

by mikey09 / 01/17/2010 at 12:37am / United States (Utah) / Work

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

by writer4life / 01/17/2010 at 12:30am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML

by ow / 01/17/2010 at 12:25am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned food. I asked him what for, and he said, "Dad said I needed them for a school project." I said all right, and he started raiding my pantry. I was left with only green beans. He stole all my Spaghetti O's. FML

by Stumble / 01/16/2010 at 11:43pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

by VeeDubDisaster / 01/16/2010 at 9:35pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation