FMLs submitted from United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2010 at 4:26pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

by Michelle / 01/09/2010 at 11:11am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I got a call from the guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks. It was his wife calling to find out what was going on with us. He told me he was separated. He left his kids home alone to hook up with me. FML

by notahomewrecker / 01/09/2010 at 11:07am / United States / Love

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

by Snowin2007 / 01/09/2010 at 3:16am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving on roads that were bad from two days of snow. I spun my car out, and ended up half-way in a ditch. Thinking that I could push my car out of the snow, I got out of my car, landing in waist deep snow. When trying to get back in, I fell neck deep into snow. FML

by warningxxLidell / 01/09/2010 at 1:45am / United States (Iowa) / Transportation

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

by pervert / 01/09/2010 at 1:38am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, my sister and I bought new cell phones. We both wanted the same phone in red, but the guy told us that there was only one red phone left. Flirting with him, I said "You should give the prettier sister the red phone." My new phone is black. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2010 at 12:58am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

by Ashy104 / 01/09/2010 at 12:36am / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

by squirrel / 01/09/2010 at 12:01am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I looked at my father's facebook for the first time in a month to see his status and it said "making wedding plans!" Really? When was he planning on telling his own daughter. FML

by bitchface / 01/08/2010 at 11:08pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

by SingleWorker / 01/08/2010 at 10:45pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2010 at 10:30pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, in ballet class, I was really focusing and actually trying to work hard. I was really getting into the choreography. I was travelling big and leaping long. While going across the floor, again I travelled and leaped... right into the ballet bars and fell over, in front of 35 people. FML

by dancer4life / 01/08/2010 at 10:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous