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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was feeling up my girlfriends chest. I was getting into it until she said "What are you doing?" I said I was rubbing her nipple. She replies, "Thats not my nipple, its a pimple." I felt up a pimple. FML

#1449885
226 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63221) - you deserved it (40911)

On 04/29/2009 at 6:16am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was on the subway and saw this cute guy eyeing me. I crossed my legs, tossed back my hair, and raised my eyebrows slightly. As he came up to me, my heart started racing until he finally started flirting... with the girl next to me. FML

#1449850
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48194) - you deserved it (10677)

On 04/29/2009 at 6:12am - love - by fmylifebad (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, trying to make my 6 year old daughter to laugh, I drew a picture of a butt, a puff of air coming out and the word "toot". My daughter thought it extremely funny. Later, when she was talking with my extremely judgmental mother-in-law, I heard her say "daddy taught me how to draw butts." FML

#1453459
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19622) - you deserved it (46853)

On 04/29/2009 at 6:12am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML

#1449729
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (70712) - you deserved it (4506)

On 04/29/2009 at 5:40am - health - by Mars (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

#1446877
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52995) - you deserved it (13707)

On 04/29/2009 at 1:39am - misc - by PoopTart (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I found out I have a restraining order against me from my ex boyfriend. Apparently, I drive by his house too much and it is considered stalking. He forgot that I live 2 houses down, and MUST drive by his house to get home. FML

#1445929
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (73159) - you deserved it (3705)

On 04/29/2009 at 1:06am - misc - by kattydoo07 - United States (Illinois)

Today, I found out that the horrible stench haunting my apartment for the past week was the decomposing corpse of my freedom loving gerbil underneath the bed that I've been sleeping on. FML

#1445711
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43567) - you deserved it (10524)

On 04/29/2009 at 12:52am - misc - by broomrape (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I read a PostSecret that said "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML

#1444188
454 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55068) - you deserved it (10528)

On 04/29/2009 at 12:13am - health - by fat_thighs (woman) - United States (California)

Today, as I was picking up my 7 year old daughter at my ex husband's house my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "mommy". FML

#1444168
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (92883) - you deserved it (8177)

On 04/29/2009 at 12:13am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

#1440141
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42969) - you deserved it (7786)

On 04/28/2009 at 9:39pm - misc - by kate (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

#1438433
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52855) - you deserved it (15474)

On 04/28/2009 at 9:07pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

#1432736
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45453) - you deserved it (4872)

On 04/28/2009 at 7:05pm - animals - by My_Cow_kiM (man) - United States (New York)



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