FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

by Irritated / 09/12/2016 at 11:29am / United States (Indiana) / Transportation

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

by Walking in a Winter Wonderland / 09/12/2016 at 6:51am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

by MarsMayFall / 09/12/2016 at 5:56am / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

by CoalRose / 09/11/2016 at 4:33pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

by harambae / 09/11/2016 at 1:10pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML

by el_Jeffe_D / 09/11/2016 at 12:05pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

by Anon / 09/11/2016 at 3:27am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2016 at 1:52am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was taking a quiz online called "Do Your Friends Actually Like You?" I quit after two questions because I remembered I don't actually have any friends. FML

Today, I was making a shake at work when the cup fell off the blender. I went to catch it, and instead caught the teeth of the still-spinning mixer. When my hand was still bleeding five minutes later, my supervisor told me to clock out until it stopped. I lost money for getting hurt on the job. FML

by TexasGirl24 / 09/10/2016 at 8:51am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

by nattnatt73 / 09/10/2016 at 3:07am / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

by indefiniteforest / 09/10/2016 at 12:11am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

by AloneAgainNaturally / 09/09/2016 at 5:03pm / United States (Virginia) / Love