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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was making out with a girl I've liked for a long time. At one point she stopped kissing me and said, "You kiss like my brother". I sat there dumbstruck as she went back to kissing me. FML

#21349028
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34282) - you deserved it (2322)

On 02/03/2015 at 1:23pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Wyoming)

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

#21348837
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16015) - you deserved it (29347)

On 02/03/2015 at 2:50am - misc - by anon - United States (Illinois)

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

#21348755
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40207) - you deserved it (4169)

On 02/02/2015 at 11:36pm - love - by bootyislife - United States (Washington)

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

#21348664
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14783) - you deserved it (40169)

On 02/02/2015 at 10:14pm - health - by toe - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, my boss informed me I couldn't go on my "vacation" because he's leaving for one of his employees' weddings. That just so happens to be my wedding, for which I'm taking the vacation. FML

Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

#21348539
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43307) - you deserved it (2586)

On 02/02/2015 at 6:59pm - intimacy - by StantheMan93 (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML

#21348376
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43995) - you deserved it (3199)

On 02/02/2015 at 2:34pm - intimacy - by itsemilyc - United States (Michigan)

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

#21348253
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30878) - you deserved it (2074)

On 02/02/2015 at 9:25am - work - by Not Worth a Lunch - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I started getting calls from gay men looking for anonymous kinky sex. It turns out that my coworker has been posting my personal information in Craigslist Personals section as a prank. My wife doesn't believe that my coworker is such an asshole. FML

#21348144
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31294) - you deserved it (2021)

On 02/02/2015 at 1:41am - work - by CalledOut (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

#21347945
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30004) - you deserved it (2451)

On 02/01/2015 at 7:43pm - health - by okseñoryoucrazy - United States (Washington)

Today, I witnessed a man masturbate into a public urinal, miss, fart, and then leave without washing his hands. FML

#21347895
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31224) - you deserved it (2288)

On 02/01/2015 at 6:10pm - health - by grossedout - United States (Virginia)

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

#21347765
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25879) - you deserved it (2413)

On 02/01/2015 at 1:13pm - health - by Why's it so cold in here? - United States

Today, my Breaking Bad obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks." during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML

#21347719
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29978) - you deserved it (3284)

On 02/01/2015 at 11:17am - intimacy - by SKYYYLLLARRRR!!!! (woman) - United States (Illinois)



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