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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML

#21420933
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25580) - you deserved it (9787)

On 06/04/2015 at 10:17pm - animals - by nerderer (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

#21420888
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27524) - you deserved it (1803)

On 06/04/2015 at 9:07pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Indiana)

Today, I made out with a boy for the first time. I belched into his mouth. FML

#21420681
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24310) - you deserved it (5638)

On 06/04/2015 at 12:21pm - love - by NoMoreTacoBell - United States (Virginia)

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

#21420621
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28750) - you deserved it (3590)

On 06/04/2015 at 8:26am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

#21420563
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30112) - you deserved it (3294)

On 06/04/2015 at 3:06am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was choking on a popcorn kernel at the movie theater. Nobody helped me. The workers in there told me to leave because I was "disrupting the audience". FML

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

#21420435
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24566) - you deserved it (4897)

On 06/03/2015 at 9:59pm - work - by officeditz - United States (Florida)

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML

#21420204
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24779) - you deserved it (1882)

On 06/03/2015 at 12:18pm - misc - by dump truck hater (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was working on a project in my schools library when a group of teenagers came in and began loudly talking and laughing. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

#21420156
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24962) - you deserved it (2070)

On 06/03/2015 at 9:25am - misc - by NoUsernamHere - United States

Today, I made a nursing home resident laugh so hard that he had a heart attack. FML

#21420106
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30426) - you deserved it (2781)

On 06/03/2015 at 6:15am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML

#21420087
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35662) - you deserved it (2540)

On 06/03/2015 at 3:22am - intimacy - by W T F (man) - United States (Alabama)

Today, my roommate bitched me out over my "OCD" driving the water bill up. She takes hour-long showers, but apparently me flushing after peeing "wasteful" and a sign of a neurological disorder. FML

#21420064
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27099) - you deserved it (1676)

On 06/03/2015 at 2:03am - misc - by she has dumbcuntitis (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

#21419928
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27986) - you deserved it (3715)

On 06/02/2015 at 9:34pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Ohio)



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