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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

#21423927
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22665) - you deserved it (1794)

On 06/10/2015 at 1:55pm - misc - by Eisenhorn (man) - United States

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

#21423894
315 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35180) - you deserved it (6962)

On 06/10/2015 at 12:13pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML

#21423879
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29768) - you deserved it (1796)

On 06/10/2015 at 11:28am - intimacy - by waiting till marriage, she said (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I saw a woman being mugged. I ran up to help and pushed the guy off of her. She then punched me in the face and called the cops because she was, "just living out a fantasy" and I'm, "a lunatic for trying to help." FML

#21423823
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28371) - you deserved it (1768)

On 06/10/2015 at 8:00am - misc - by Spa Catholic - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I saw someone accidentally leave their headlights on downtown. Trying to be a helpful, I chased them down 2 blocks only to be informed that their headlights automatically turn off. FML

Today, I worked in a shoe store. As I was removing the shoes off an older man I felt a squish, and pulled back my hand to see brown and yellow. The man then looked at me and said, "Looks like I missed a spot." Dog crap. FML

#21423738
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23366) - you deserved it (1546)

On 06/10/2015 at 1:25am - work - by UkuleleTime - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

#21423584
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24704) - you deserved it (2492)

On 06/09/2015 at 9:59pm - work - by Really - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

#21423425
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23222) - you deserved it (2644)

On 06/09/2015 at 4:03pm - health - by feels like an asshole - United States

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

#21423389
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25674) - you deserved it (3418)

On 06/09/2015 at 2:39pm - animals - by dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, the guy I made cookies for, spent hours getting ready for, and drove 3 hours in traffic to see never actually wanted me to come. When I knocked on his door, he opened it, but immediately closed it in my face. He then texted me saying, "I met someone else." FML

Today, I found out the reason my crush has been talking so openly to me. Not because she likes me back, but because she thinks I'm gay. FML

#21423092
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26894) - you deserved it (2345)

On 06/08/2015 at 11:04pm - love - by Not Gay - United States (South Carolina)

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

#21422985
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24085) - you deserved it (2234)

On 06/08/2015 at 7:38pm - love - by firehurts - United States (New York)

Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

#21422896
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25681) - you deserved it (2619)

On 06/08/2015 at 3:33pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (California)



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