FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

by wrecked / 01/11/2010 at 8:43am / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

by krisx3ftw / 01/11/2010 at 8:25am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2010 at 3:09am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend asked for me to come to her. Then move my head in close to her and close my eyes. Expecting a sweet and romantic kiss I positioned my lips for my surprise. My surprise wasn't a kiss, instead it was a nice crunchy booger she placed in my mouth with her finger. FML

by TattedAsian / 01/11/2010 at 2:28am / United States (Missouri) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML

by Pauper / 01/11/2010 at 2:20am / United States (Connecticut) / Money

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

by Gentleman / 01/11/2010 at 12:19am / United States (Mississippi) / Health

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

by Drewzter / 01/10/2010 at 10:33pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

by coinoperatedgirl / 01/10/2010 at 8:04pm / United States (Minnesota) / Geek

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

by CD / 01/10/2010 at 7:24pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

by Lady / 01/10/2010 at 7:21pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2010 at 4:50pm / United States / Love

Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML

by daragnan / 01/10/2010 at 4:47pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend and found out I'm severely allergic to latex. I also found out that my family doctor had been transferred to the ER. He went to play golf with my dad later. FML

by Foxy / 01/10/2010 at 12:36pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy