FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML

by Chan / 01/22/2010 at 10:16pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

by oldschool / 01/22/2010 at 9:10pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2010 at 7:10pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she suspected me of cheating. She thought I was cheating because she caught me sneaking out in the middle of the night. I was sneaking out to plan my proposal to her. FML

by ponyboy / 01/22/2010 at 5:41pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I got to sleep in the same bed as the love of my life...and her new boyfriend. FML

by hoody / 01/22/2010 at 5:27pm / United States / Love

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

by Funnymann / 01/22/2010 at 3:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to contest a parking ticket in court. I came out 3 hours later, all charges clear, to a new parking ticket on my windshield, for the same amount I just got cleared. FML

by sdfsdf / 01/22/2010 at 11:28am / United States (Rhode Island) / Transportation

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

by S.Bunny / 01/22/2010 at 3:14am / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML

by Rodrigeuz26 / 01/22/2010 at 2:26am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

by HotelClerk / 01/22/2010 at 1:37am / United States (Minnesota) / Transportation

Today, at work I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say "have a nice night." What I actually said was "have a nice flow". FML

by iluvjenknee / 01/22/2010 at 1:26am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

by masterzach21 / 01/22/2010 at 1:25am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

by housebroken / 01/22/2010 at 1:17am / United States (Florida) / Love