FMLs submitted from United States

Today, it snowed. So, a guy I like and I decided to go sledding. I really wanted to impress him by going down the hill and casually slowing down at the bottom right at his feet. Instead, I crashed into him and broke his ankle. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2009 at 10:32pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an inconsiderate selfish bitch. FML

by HassledAirfarer / 12/06/2009 at 9:08pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2009 at 5:13pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

by Bill / 12/06/2009 at 3:28pm / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML

by lolfayce / 12/06/2009 at 1:37pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I had mine, and then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood and college life. Truth is, I made them all up. I didn't get kissed till I was 24, and laid till I was 28. FML

by Sadface / 12/06/2009 at 12:34pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML

by Wrongdoor / 12/06/2009 at 9:58am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

by wormsick / 12/06/2009 at 4:16am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She continued to yell at me and call me a liar all night. I don't know which is worse, being a 21 year old virgin or my mother accusing me of lying about it. FML

by virginmary / 12/06/2009 at 3:07am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

by life_suxxx / 12/06/2009 at 2:43am / United States (Mississippi) / Money

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

by barfyshirt / 12/06/2009 at 12:25am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our parking space and stood in line for two hours. My friend was supposed to have the tickets in her purse. She actually had, but she left her purse in the car. FML

by musiclover / 12/06/2009 at 12:05am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

by JC / 12/05/2009 at 11:30pm / United States (Iowa) / Animals