FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

by omgboobs / 12/22/2009 at 9:34pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

by shallowvomit1013 / 12/22/2009 at 8:09pm / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I started my job as a waiter. I was excited when my first customer paid for the bill. I go over to the table, half-expecting a tip. I got to the table and no money was on the table. On the bottom receipt was written: "Ever heard of deodorant?" Apparently I smell bad. Thanks for the tip. FML

by themonkeyman / 12/22/2009 at 7:05pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

by blumaster04 / 12/22/2009 at 5:53pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

by DumbLackofLuck / 12/22/2009 at 4:54pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

by funyfunkid / 12/22/2009 at 2:18pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

by ohshat / 12/22/2009 at 1:05pm / United States (Nebraska) / Work

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

by Anonymous / 12/22/2009 at 1:02pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I've done this. FML

by todayJman03 / 12/22/2009 at 8:03am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from my 2 week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

by Anonymous / 12/22/2009 at 5:08am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn't know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML

by Dumped / 12/22/2009 at 2:57am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I spent my day alone while my parents and siblings were at school and work. Trying to be helpful, I cleaned out the fridge, did 5 loads of laundry, worked outside, fed the pets and made dinner for the entire family. The evening was spent hearing complaints of how wrong I did everything. FML

by sadcinderella / 12/22/2009 at 2:01am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

by CRWMEN / 12/22/2009 at 12:57am / United States (Indiana) / Love