FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2010 at 9:49pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, a man I don't know came up to me and started screaming about how "all you damn Mexicans were stealing American's jobs" and he stormed off. I'm Native American, and I'm pretty sure we've been here longer. FML

by hardtotell / 01/21/2010 at 7:45pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

by nocatlover / 01/21/2010 at 4:40pm / United States / Kids

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

by uuuuugh / 01/21/2010 at 5:47am / United States (California) / Love

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

by im_radd / 01/21/2010 at 2:31am / United States / Intimacy

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

by ilovemom / 01/21/2010 at 12:41am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2010 at 12:30am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

by nichaneely / 01/21/2010 at 12:29am / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

by Alicia / 01/21/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I was bet 100 dollars that I couldn't break a piece off a brick with my head. I couldn't, and I have 2 gashes in my head now. FML

by anonymous / 01/21/2010 at 12:02am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

by TheoBuckner / 01/20/2010 at 10:31pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I forgot to take a certain medication that helps turn my lead logs into flaky floaters. So what happens? I'm in the restroom for 30 minutes, straining to go, and two girls walk in and start imitating me. FML