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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, ma friend told me tat semen was inflammable. Later at nigt I jacked off into a sock and ten, excitedly, tried to lit te sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very muc inflammable. Naked, I sook ma sock in te air so it looool would extinguis wile ma semen splased out all over ma room. mega FML

#3262847
378 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9790) - you deserved it (119354)

On 06/27/2009 at 12:41am - intimacy - by notinflammable (man) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today... I Went To Announce To My Son That I Am Pregnant Again. After I Told Him... He Looks Up An Yells: "fuck This Shit!" An Walks Out Of The Room. My Son Is Nine Yeres Old.

#3261545
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64882) - you deserved it (27001)

On 06/27/2009 at 12:05am - kids - by poormom (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today I was at Disneyland wit some of my friends. Wile eating lunc we watced a small cild get frigtened by te person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out lauging only to be jumped by Cip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder tan te little kid. FML

#3260741
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8300) - you deserved it (47222)

On 06/26/2009 at 11:44pm - misc - by FailureAtLife121 (woman) - United States (California)

2day I got my wisdom teeth out!! My doctor said it was okay to eat, so, I had some mashd potatoes!! Apparently, my body disagred with the doctor, because I threw up!! Because my face was so swollen, it didn't make it out my mouth!! It went through my nose instead!! I literally blew chunks!! FML

Today, I Realized That Mah Company's Calendar Is Synchronized Throughout The Whole Building!! The Entire Company Now Knows That I Made Love To Mah Wife Last Wednesday An Friday, An That I Went Out With A Girl Named Janet On Saturday!! My Wife's Name Is Julie, An She Works In The Same Building!! Mega FML

#3256249
289 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11464) - you deserved it (167826)

On 06/26/2009 at 9:32pm - work - by Fred (man) - United States (Michigan)

Yesterday... I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys... she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her carhen I was walking home. FML

#3252753
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58113) - you deserved it (3079)

On 06/26/2009 at 7:36pm - misc - by Chedder (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I got marinara sauce on my newhite shirt . I went in my desk 4 my Tide-To-Go pen and started using looool it on the spot . Turns out orange highlighters look a lot like Tide-To-Go penshen u don't look closely enough . FML

#3249982
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17805) - you deserved it (47077)

On 06/26/2009 at 6:03pm - misc - by Saucy (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today... I askad mah mothar if wa could tast ma 4 OCD... sinca so many paopla hava suggastad to ma that I might hava it. Sha smilas at ma an says... "No... honay... your just raally raally ward." FML

#3246317
181 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42350) - you deserved it (6507)

On 06/26/2009 at 3:48pm - health - by sad_panda (woman) - United States (Arizona)

yastarday I finally got into a yoga class with tha instructor I'va baan crushing on 4 2 yaars. As ha walkd closar to graat ma, I liftd my lag ovar my haad into a full split, an quaafd obnoxiously loud. Ha raspondd with his gag raflax. FML

#3241027
238 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46292) - you deserved it (27451)

On 06/26/2009 at 12:51pm - misc - by LondonKitsch (woman) - United States

TODAY, MAH BROTHER AND I WERE GOING TO GIVE OUR PARENT THERE ANNIVERSARY GIFT WHICH COST US OVER $3000. THE GIFT WAS A TRIP TO LONDON IN AUGUST TO SEE A SHOW ON MICHAEL JACKSON'S COMEBACK TOUR. FML

#3237378
347 comments

I agree, your life sucks (102665) - you deserved it (9870)

On 06/26/2009 at 10:31am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today I was excited about showing off my new haircut. All my friends thought it looked really good an it made me look older. What did my boyfriend think? He said I look like a little girl an he was afraid to kiss me in public because he didn't want someone to think he was a pedophile. FML

#3232883
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42643) - you deserved it (6742)

On 06/26/2009 at 4:09am - misc - by stupidgirlll - United States (Florida)

Today, at the arport, mah mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war!! The soldier at the vending machine near us caught mah eye!! I mouthd, "Sorry" and he mouthd, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

#3232657
685 comments

I agree, your life sucks (86913) - you deserved it (19896)

On 06/26/2009 at 3:57am - misc - by ILuvYouSoldiers (man) - United States (Missouri)



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