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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I found my phone under the car seat after three days. I flipped it open ready to issue apologies to everyone who had tried to get in touch with me and I had worried. No missed calls. FML

#1027558
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (71224) - you deserved it (9404)

On 04/16/2009 at 6:06pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

#1026583
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (84547) - you deserved it (8196)

On 04/16/2009 at 5:36pm - misc - by Puppysit88 (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

#1026397
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26659) - you deserved it (79595)

On 04/16/2009 at 5:27pm - misc - by Eyesore - United States (Georgia)

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

#1023184
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12452) - you deserved it (69204)

On 04/16/2009 at 3:44pm - misc - by StewPit (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML

#1021876
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10117) - you deserved it (86899)

On 04/16/2009 at 2:52pm - work - by TheBRADLeyB (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

#1021552
394 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23648) - you deserved it (116520)

On 04/16/2009 at 2:43pm - misc - by hatetheroommate (woman) - United States (District of Columbia)

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

#1021502
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20134) - you deserved it (109117)

On 04/16/2009 at 2:42pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

#1021410
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61556) - you deserved it (8105)

On 04/16/2009 at 2:38pm - love - by suckstobeme (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

#1019315
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69490) - you deserved it (4274)

On 04/16/2009 at 12:53pm - misc - by yellow_sunflowers101 (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I was taking an exam and I knew I was unprepared, so I wrote some cheat notes on my ankle. As I cross my legs to look at my notes, I realize I wore tall boots to class. I can't even cheat properly. FML

#1018681
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14670) - you deserved it (124782)

On 04/16/2009 at 12:21pm - misc - by Joe (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML

#1017067
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (73046) - you deserved it (32355)

On 04/16/2009 at 10:49am - intimacy - by nudesurprise (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

#1017007
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19723) - you deserved it (53469)

On 04/16/2009 at 10:47am - misc - by xnickx (man) - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

#1016784
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56544) - you deserved it (15306)

On 04/16/2009 at 10:38am - animals - by oops1234 (woman) - United States (New York)



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