FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML

by Jon / 01/18/2010 at 3:26pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML

by Crissylove10 / 01/18/2010 at 3:12pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

by burnedboy / 01/18/2010 at 2:39pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to find my freshly dry-cleaned $200 suit not on my bed. Instead I found my drunk ex-girlfriend. Not only did she break into my house, she decided that she wanted to sleep in my bed and threw my suit into the trash. I have a job interview today and the garbage men already came. FML

by Sam / 01/18/2010 at 12:05pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 mins of him describing how beautiful she is and how much we look alike and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

by Mills / 01/18/2010 at 6:49am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my rabbit died. He died a painful death from ingesting too much carpet. I now have no rabbit and a patchy carpet. FML

by Radioo / 01/18/2010 at 4:00am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

by toolegittoquit / 01/18/2010 at 3:28am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

by Nissan_David / 01/18/2010 at 1:09am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

by IceMage / 01/17/2010 at 7:57pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2010 at 7:40pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, while babysitting a six year old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his pants/undies and pointed to his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

by Michele / 01/17/2010 at 7:32pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

by Jac / 01/17/2010 at 2:59pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

by mapleleafs34 / 01/17/2010 at 2:24pm / United States (Indiana) / Love