FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

by purpledp12 / 02/11/2010 at 4:12am / United States / Love

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

by stewiesclone / 02/11/2010 at 4:09am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

by sari14 / 02/11/2010 at 1:14am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

by CatWoman / 02/11/2010 at 12:33am / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

by brit / 02/11/2010 at 12:13am / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I got my new work schedule. I really need the hours. The boss says he can't give me more because the economy is bad. However, he did find enough hours to hire his son last week. This week? Most of my hours were erased and given to the new employee; his daughter. FML

by suuuucks / 02/11/2010 at 12:03am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I was helping some neighbors corral and tag their cattle. Deciding to take a break, I turned my back to all 3 men and jumped down from an old, rusty gate. Luckily, the sharp piece of metal sticking out of it barely missed my skin. Instead it tore off the ass of both my pants and undies. FML

by roundemup / 02/10/2010 at 9:33pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

by squishy / 02/10/2010 at 7:07pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2010 at 7:03pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was in class and noticed that it smelled strongly of cat urine. I smelled my shoulder and realized that my cat had peed on my sweater. I had six hours of classes left, and the smell had permeated my shirt. FML

by snickerdoodles / 02/10/2010 at 4:19pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, I went to the store and bought some cream to help with a sunburn I'd gotten a few days ago. What's worse than having red, peeling, and painful skin? An allergic reaction on top of it. FML

by anonymous / 02/10/2010 at 3:59pm / United States / Health

Today, after getting home from school, I realized I'd tucked my shirt into my underwear this morning. I'm fairly certain everyone got a good look at my lime green underwear. FML

by asdfghjkl / 02/10/2010 at 2:20pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

by kel / 02/10/2010 at 12:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous