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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

#1387325
208 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23530) - you deserved it (119687)

On 04/27/2009 at 9:51am - intimacy - by BARF (woman) - United States (California)

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

#1386673
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21470) - you deserved it (66032)

On 04/27/2009 at 8:54am - love - by mammamia (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys... the whole bit. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML

#1386649
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46810) - you deserved it (7732)

On 04/27/2009 at 8:52am - animals - by achoo (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I ran into a girl I used to go to school with. We went out for dinner to catch up, and we ended up at my house, watching movies and cuddling. This fantastic and spontaneous date was concluded with several kisses. I dropped her off at her car and drove off. I forgot to get her number. FML

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

#1383069
193 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69318) - you deserved it (14996)

On 04/27/2009 at 2:24am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

#1382761
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (89347) - you deserved it (21509)

On 04/27/2009 at 2:14am - misc - by hjgjh - United States (California)

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

#1382386
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37535) - you deserved it (8654)

On 04/27/2009 at 1:58am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my girlfriend met my parents for the first time. The first thing my mom said to my girlfriend was, "Honey, are you ok? You look like you got hives." FML

#1381561
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45468) - you deserved it (3058)

On 04/27/2009 at 1:35am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I was giving my crush a lift home from a mutual friend's house. When he got in the car, my mom asked in French, "Is this the guy you won't stop talking about? You can do so much better!" Of all the things I've told about him to my mom, I forgot to mention he's French as well. FML

#1380025
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55213) - you deserved it (11271)

On 04/27/2009 at 12:43am - love - by frenchgirlll (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

#1378715
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44200) - you deserved it (4696)

On 04/27/2009 at 12:11am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML

#1378571
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66356) - you deserved it (3722)

On 04/27/2009 at 12:08am - misc - by ewwww (woman) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

#1375627
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47229) - you deserved it (13262)

On 04/26/2009 at 10:29pm - misc - by ahhnotoy (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says "What's a pronoun?" FML

#1372393
236 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55115) - you deserved it (10854)

On 04/26/2009 at 9:14pm - love - by theatreismylife (woman) - United States (California)



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