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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my friend told me that she gave my number to a guy I've liked for a while. I asked why and she just said "He's just going to have to tell you himself." I got hopeful and really nervous. A few hours later he calls. Turns out, he's called to try and get a date with my gay friend. FML

#3491271
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35715) - you deserved it (2989)

On 07/04/2009 at 10:40pm - love - by Single4Life (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

#3486397
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40328) - you deserved it (6072)

On 07/04/2009 at 6:48pm - misc - by litup (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river. While we were jumping off the dam, I decided to try to impress him by doing a front flip. I didn't jump far enough off, so when I went to flip, my face skidded down the concrete wall. FML

#3486343
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30555) - you deserved it (39884)

On 07/04/2009 at 6:46pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, while on a run, I thought I'd run into a flock of geese in a field. Doing so, I learned that when you do this alone, the birds don't fly away, they attack. FML

#3485353
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12204) - you deserved it (59775)

On 07/04/2009 at 5:56pm - animals - by SwordFish8 (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

#3484345
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54048) - you deserved it (5198)

On 07/04/2009 at 5:11pm - love - by BrokenHearted (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

#3484293
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53255) - you deserved it (23707)

On 07/04/2009 at 5:07pm - love - by DutchOven (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

#3483555
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45461) - you deserved it (21184)

On 07/04/2009 at 4:30pm - intimacy - by twintowers (woman) - United States

Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out, I had to pick up my brother when his truck died in the mountains, on a dirt road. He was drunk. I now have a car covered in mud and filled with vomit. FML

#3483352
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35004) - you deserved it (2659)

On 07/04/2009 at 4:21pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, my dad woke me up by shaking me and saying "If you're not up in two minutes, I'm lighting a firecracker in your room." Thinking he wouldn't possibly set off a firecracker in the house, much less my room, I decided to call his bluff. My room still smells like gunpowder. FML

#3479922
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19090) - you deserved it (38463)

On 07/04/2009 at 1:31pm - misc - by Singed (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

#3478288
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57004) - you deserved it (2723)

On 07/04/2009 at 11:51am - intimacy - by hangup (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I fell asleep while lifeguarding, thinking I could get away with it due to my sunglasses. When I woke up, I saw my boss waving at me. Apparently she'd been trying to get my attention for five minutes. FML

#3477927
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5776) - you deserved it (62272)

On 07/04/2009 at 11:24am - work - by Sleepy (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

#3477913
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47829) - you deserved it (2179)

On 07/04/2009 at 11:24am - misc - by hot_mess88 (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

#3474895
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62959) - you deserved it (12215)

On 07/04/2009 at 4:58am - intimacy - by R_U_CEREAL (man) - United States (Oregon)



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