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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I spent 90 dollars and two and a half hours getting my hair done at a fancy salon. As I was unlocking my car, a bird pooped in my hair. FML

#1323390
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50966) - you deserved it (11281)

On 04/25/2009 at 3:12pm - animals - by birdmagnet (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, is my boyfriend and my 3 year anniversary. We decided to give each other something that we really needed. I bought him the $300 worth of books that he needed for college. He surprised me with a workout video and exercise equipment. FML

#1322520
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50320) - you deserved it (10412)

On 04/25/2009 at 2:41pm - love - by fmlgirl (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account. As part of the package, I get to choose five numbers that I can call without using any minutes. I could still only think of three numbers I call regularly: my parent's house, my mom's cell and my ex's cell. FML

#1318929
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43558) - you deserved it (12294)

On 04/25/2009 at 12:18pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Vermont)

Today, it was my birthday and everyone in the office chipped in to buy me a card, and nothing but a card. It had a pre-written message on it and a space to write "Love, *insert name*" where everyone signed their names. The "Love" was crossed out and replaced with "From". FML

#1316635
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52845) - you deserved it (4648)

On 04/25/2009 at 10:23am - work - by Gabrielguitar (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

#1316192
216 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10923) - you deserved it (76736)

On 04/25/2009 at 9:51am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, I was fired from my job of 5 years. I was let go because I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. My now ex-boss asked me if I could process my severance check because he didn't know how. I had to write myself my last paycheck. FML

#1315849
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51905) - you deserved it (2311)

On 04/25/2009 at 9:31am - work - by feistychick (woman) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and busted my head on the floor. FML

#1314307
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44558) - you deserved it (4872)

On 04/25/2009 at 5:09am - misc - by Clumsy (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

#1313726
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50112) - you deserved it (5503)

On 04/25/2009 at 3:51am - intimacy - by bongoboy - United States (California)

Today, I was in an elevator with my family and a family I didn't know. I was about to press the number when somebody came up behind me. I thought it was my brother trying to press the number first, so I aggressivly pushed him out of the way. Turns out it was the other family's ten year old son. FML

#1312946
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9601) - you deserved it (54950)

On 04/25/2009 at 2:52am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

#1312643
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60404) - you deserved it (15711)

On 04/25/2009 at 2:39am - work - by CollegeGrad (man) - United States (Utah)

Today, I was at a swim meet. I was on a relay team and I was the anchor. My team was in 1st. I was ready to dive in when I saw my tampon string was hanging out of my suit. I freaked, slid off the block, and fell on top of the guy before me and gave him a concussion. We got DQed for a false start FML

#1311543
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42655) - you deserved it (15111)

On 04/25/2009 at 1:44am - misc - by suckatlifeeexo (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

#1310599
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44079) - you deserved it (4224)

On 04/25/2009 at 1:09am - misc - by GreenMonstR (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was ringing a lady up at the register. I noticed her son was doing the peepee dance, so I rushed the payment process up and handed her the receipt. The little boy says "Mommy" and the mom looks down, then back up at me saying, "Your problem now" and walks out. The boy peed on the floor. FML

#1309415
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52648) - you deserved it (2181)

On 04/25/2009 at 12:35am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New Jersey)



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