FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2010 at 1:17pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

by kodijack / 01/25/2010 at 1:13pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I used the Print Screen button to take a picture of a really cute bag that I want for my birthday. After emailing it to my mom, I noticed I'd forgotten to close another tab in the browser. The tab had a very suggestive title, for an even more suggestive website. FML

by lala / 01/25/2010 at 12:21pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2010 at 10:27am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

by CivE / 01/25/2010 at 8:32am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I went to my step-sister's for family dinner. Her husband was really drunk and openly hit on me in front of most of my family. I nonchalantly ignored his advances. Later, my step-mom said it would not have happened if I didn't dress like a skank. FML

by irishbabycakes / 01/25/2010 at 5:27am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2010 at 3:47am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

by Krissy / 01/25/2010 at 3:36am / United States (New Mexico) / Intimacy

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

by nyu / 01/25/2010 at 1:33am / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

by Phoenix0614 / 01/25/2010 at 12:33am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I found out that you need to clean your car more often when you find a mouldy burrito under the back seat. FML

by Username / 01/25/2010 at 12:19am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

by Ben / 01/24/2010 at 10:31pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

by weddingbells / 01/24/2010 at 8:02pm / United States (Virginia) / Love