FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my friend and I went to the park. I bet my friend I could fit into the swing that was sized for toddlers. I managed to fit in, but I couldn't get out. My friend had to call 911 to get me out. When they finally did, the fireman told me that fat ladies shouldn't try stuff like that. FML

by fatlady / 03/07/2010 at 12:41am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

by me / 03/07/2010 at 12:21am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

by OhaiiKid / 03/07/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Georgia) / Geek

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

by Maxx / 03/06/2010 at 10:56pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

by Octobre / 03/06/2010 at 8:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old Father is the 'Sugar Daddy' to a 20-year-old. He wasted my college funds on her, which I have been dutifully saving for ever since I was 10. FML

by uneducated / 03/06/2010 at 7:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

by Anonymous / 03/06/2010 at 7:32pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

by ThoroughlyCreepedOut / 03/06/2010 at 7:22pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

by Lucy / 03/06/2010 at 5:44pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, my husband bought me a beautiful pair of earrings for my birthday, to match the necklace he'd spent months searching for online the previous year. What necklace? He gave me a watch he found at Walmart last year. I wonder who the lucky girl with the necklace is. FML

by happybirthday / 03/06/2010 at 2:42pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

by Anonymous / 03/06/2010 at 12:13pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was designated driver for my friends. This entailed: standing around in the cold for 3 hours, not drinking, dealing with drunk people, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, cleaning up vomit from my hair, my clothes, and my brand new car. FML

by Coldflame / 03/06/2010 at 10:22am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

by ICantBelieveThis / 03/06/2010 at 9:31am / United States (New York) / Intimacy