FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2010 at 8:49pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

by klsdhjla / 02/14/2010 at 8:23pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while out for our romantic Valentine's dinner, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years told me that he believes in females being subservient, that I'm not allowed to have opinions anymore, that he is "the alpha dog" and I'm merely the "beta dog", and that I have to "get used to it." FML

by Shirley / 02/14/2010 at 7:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

by RosesAreRed / 02/14/2010 at 1:52pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML

by freakingow / 02/14/2010 at 1:05pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a notice that my boyfriend had given me a rose via Happy Aquarium on Facebook. It came with a date cancellation so that he and his friends could play BioShock. FML

by Fv-day / 02/14/2010 at 11:32am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML

by DallasGal / 02/14/2010 at 11:31am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that the "pimples" on my back weren't pimples at all. Because I was unable to see how bad they were for the last week, I never caught on to the fact the they were, in fact, ticks. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2010 at 9:21am / United States (Kentucky) / Health

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

by zitgirl / 02/14/2010 at 9:14am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML

by lex31 / 02/14/2010 at 8:24am / United States / Animals

Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

by Samson / 02/14/2010 at 3:48am / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

by disneyworld / 02/14/2010 at 12:49am / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, while working security at the mall, someone shat his pants. The shit dripped all over the floor and escalator. I was the one who had to stand near the poop so no one stepped in it. FML

by mallcop / 02/14/2010 at 12:07am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work