FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

by LoveStruck- / 02/10/2010 at 2:29am / United States / Love

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

by AUDONEE / 02/10/2010 at 1:39am / United States (District of Columbia) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

by evecamp / 02/10/2010 at 12:09am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

by nichaneely / 02/09/2010 at 10:32pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

by caughttt / 02/09/2010 at 9:52pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

by conchita / 02/09/2010 at 8:16pm / United States (Indiana) / Health

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

by Anonymous / 02/09/2010 at 7:56pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

by fbcaught / 02/09/2010 at 1:52pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

by safariboo / 02/09/2010 at 10:43am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I watched my boyfriend pick all the dead skin off of his feet. And then fling it at me. FML

by caitplaysguitar / 02/09/2010 at 9:56am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

by matchristityler / 02/09/2010 at 3:19am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend told my hamster he loved her. Repeatedly. In 'cute' baby voices. He has yet to tell me. FML

by Anonymous / 02/09/2010 at 1:12am / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

by Unknown / 02/09/2010 at 12:50am / United States (Oregon) / Love