FMLs submitted from United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

by clumsyandhungry / 09/15/2010 at 12:24am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

by badtiming / 09/15/2010 at 12:15am / United States / Love

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

by migsman / 09/14/2010 at 10:43pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

by Anonymous / 09/14/2010 at 7:41pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

by ohno / 09/14/2010 at 7:30pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I got a brand new couch. My husband told me to keep our puppy off of it so we could keep it nice. She jumped on it, and as I picked her up to put her back on the floor, her claws dragged across it and ripped 2 of the cushions. FML

by miss Suzanne / 09/14/2010 at 5:46pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I realized the guy I like is not deaf. This would normally be good news. However, for the past two weeks I assumed he was deaf after seeing him use sign language. I've been openly talking about him within earshot. FML

by Jackie / 09/14/2010 at 4:00pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I fell asleep in my math class. Turns out I sleep walk. I woke up at the front of the room with chalk in my hand, scribbles on the board behind me, and the whole class laughing at me. FML

by sleepwalker / 09/14/2010 at 2:32pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at dinner with my current boyfriend, my ex walked in with his new girlfriend. The waiter put them at the table next to ours, and the two of them had a front row seat to me spilling an entire guacamole salad on my lap out of nervousness. FML

by anonymous / 09/14/2010 at 3:57am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

by tickyette / 09/14/2010 at 3:27am / United States / Love

Today, I met a new guy at work who would not stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me he was her husband. FML

by lifeguardlechery / 09/14/2010 at 12:15am / United States (Louisiana) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had a conference with my dad, my counselor, and my history and English teachers because my dad was "concerned" about my grades in those two classes. We talked for a while and it was going well, then my counselor asked what I wanted to study in college. I said I wanted to be a teacher. He laughed. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2010 at 10:56pm / United States / Health

Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

by IHateMyJob / 09/13/2010 at 10:00pm / United States / Transportation