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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

#2853561
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49160) - you deserved it (3182)

On 06/13/2009 at 8:15am - love - by e.middlechild (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I introduced my ex-wife to my new girlfriend. They got along so well that my new girlfriend is going to my ex-wife's house tonight "just to hang out". FML

Today, for the first time in over a year, my mother actually called me. I excitedly picked up the phone. All I heard was rustling; her purse dialed me. FML

#2851443
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48812) - you deserved it (2764)

On 06/13/2009 at 3:10am - love - by slukaa (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

#2850957
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67230) - you deserved it (4372)

On 06/13/2009 at 2:40am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

#2848981
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41545) - you deserved it (6603)

On 06/13/2009 at 1:17am - love - by Anon (man) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

#2848917
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45818) - you deserved it (5100)

On 06/13/2009 at 1:16am - love - by iamrose (woman) - United States (West Virginia)

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

#2846826
214 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10602) - you deserved it (69921)

On 06/13/2009 at 12:09am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

#2842632
208 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21210) - you deserved it (71844)

On 06/12/2009 at 9:47pm - love - by Paco4242 (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

#2839886
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61794) - you deserved it (4195)

On 06/12/2009 at 8:10pm - love - by vickyxanne (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I wanted to use my gift card for a liquor store. I went to pay the cashier, who said he needed to see my license. I gave it to him as well as my gift card. After paying, he asked me if I wanted him to cut it up, since the card was now worth $0. I said yes. He cut the wrong card. FML

#2839011
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53894) - you deserved it (4188)

On 06/12/2009 at 7:35pm - misc - by bryans_fresh (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, a man came up to me at the bus stop. He went into this long story about how his girlfriend is pregnant and they both haven't eaten in days. Trying to be tough and funny I said back, "sounds like you should invest in condoms instead of food." He responded by beating and robbing me. FML

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

#2834470
209 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48537) - you deserved it (19384)

On 06/12/2009 at 4:40pm - misc - by Guitar-ZERO - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I woke up feeling like shit after I had spent the whole night taking care of my sick boyfriend. He got up early, feeling great, bouncing around the house. When I finally got up I told him I didn't feel well and he yelled at me for being a bitch in the morning that slows him down. FML

#2833526
219 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61981) - you deserved it (4755)

On 06/12/2009 at 4:04pm - love - by adderallgirl (woman) - United States (Texas)



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