FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

by bitch / 08/03/2010 at 9:19pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

by Emily / 08/03/2010 at 7:54pm / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

by fatty / 08/03/2010 at 6:37pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

by missalexa / 08/03/2010 at 2:13pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

by MyFaceHurts / 08/03/2010 at 6:40am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

by Jesse from / 08/03/2010 at 6:21am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

by Doubleyew1 / 08/02/2010 at 7:43pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

by toomuchlove / 08/02/2010 at 7:32pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

by PCop / 08/02/2010 at 7:21pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

by hAHAha Halo / 08/02/2010 at 1:55pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Love

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

by Jay / 08/02/2010 at 1:23pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, my boyfriend decided to visit me at work. With another girl. FML

by ihateumicheal / 08/02/2010 at 11:37am / United States / Love

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2010 at 1:05am / United States (Florida) / Work