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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

#1714855
229 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25108) - you deserved it (92303)

On 05/07/2009 at 10:45am - intimacy - by eeh (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I released some ducks I had hand raised with my sisters at a local lake. They were raised around my huge German Shepherd, which explains why they didn't freak out when two huge dogs came out of no where and killed three of them, in front of my little sisters. FML

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

#1713391
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52864) - you deserved it (5225)

On 05/07/2009 at 8:39am - love - by TrulyYours (woman) - United States (Maine)

Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML

#1711398
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45608) - you deserved it (3271)

On 05/07/2009 at 3:40am - misc - by mikesok988 (man) - United States (North Dakota)

Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML

#1708480
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48685) - you deserved it (2235)

On 05/07/2009 at 12:53am - work - by Sarah (woman) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I realized my wedding ring was missing. Turns out, my son had taken it to give to a girl he likes in the 2nd grade. FML

#1706797
243 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69125) - you deserved it (7814)

On 05/06/2009 at 11:47pm - kids - by fmal (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I left my lights on in my car. I realized it at lunch, made sure to turn the lights off and tried to start it. The battery was dead, and I called my dad to jump it before I got back from my game. I come back from my game and the lights were on. He left the lights on after the jump. FML

#1705940
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36769) - you deserved it (5258)

On 05/06/2009 at 11:08pm - misc - by stupidlights (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had the reverse lights on. I thought to myself "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

#1705413
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43690) - you deserved it (4034)

On 05/06/2009 at 10:26pm - misc - by jezusflowers (man) - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

#1704585
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57051) - you deserved it (2327)

On 05/06/2009 at 9:43pm - misc - by Gumfanatic302 (woman) - United States (Nevada)

Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML

#1701817
282 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17634) - you deserved it (61043)

On 05/06/2009 at 8:20pm - misc - by schmoodles - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my dad texted me and told me "I love u." I answer back with "I love you too dad...are you drunk?" and he answers back "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

#1696810
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61954) - you deserved it (4500)

On 05/06/2009 at 6:04pm - love - by thatonekid (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

#1694446
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14598) - you deserved it (118827)

On 05/06/2009 at 4:05pm - misc - by FakeID (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I had some pretty bad stomach pain, so I went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, two girls walked in, taking stalls next to me. That's when my farts began to get very large and explosive. Not only did they break into laughter, they waited for me to come out. FML

#1693218
203 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69106) - you deserved it (4474)

On 05/06/2009 at 3:17pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)



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