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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

#1838919
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54211) - you deserved it (5959)

On 05/11/2009 at 8:08am - intimacy - by BlueBallMcGee (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

#1837844
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (88231) - you deserved it (4685)

On 05/11/2009 at 5:09am - misc - by mistake (man) - United States (Nevada)

Today, I called my mom while she was out of town and confessed how I have been depressed lately and thinking suicidal thoughts. After my long sob story, she took a breath and said, "OK, just make sure you don't forget to take the dogs out." FML

#1836224
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46363) - you deserved it (3844)

On 05/11/2009 at 2:21am - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

#1834550
643 comments

I agree, your life sucks (83904) - you deserved it (6637)

On 05/11/2009 at 1:12am - intimacy - by Hallllo (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

#1833844
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13420) - you deserved it (44957)

On 05/11/2009 at 12:46am - misc - by lostintellct (man) - United States (Idaho)

Today, I took my lunch break to buy my mom a pretty orchid. I took it to her apartment (to which I have a key), placed it on her coffee table with her card, and went back to work, pleased with my surprise. She called me later to ask why I got her a stick in a pot of dirt. Her cat ate the orchid. FML

Today, my Dad took me to a yankee game at the new Yankees stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I then yelled out "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

#1830985
178 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7121) - you deserved it (86204)

On 05/10/2009 at 10:07pm - misc - by XxespoxX (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

#1828109
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65250) - you deserved it (3482)

On 05/10/2009 at 8:55pm - misc - by newdriver (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

#1818659
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64316) - you deserved it (2451)

On 05/10/2009 at 4:41pm - work - by IT_4_Hire (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, while powerwashing my deck, a bee flew and landed on my leg. Thinking I'd just wash it away before it stings me, I aimed the powerwasher nozzle at the bee. A bee sting isn't nearly as painful as powerwashing your leg. FML

#1818559
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10117) - you deserved it (74415)

On 05/10/2009 at 4:39pm - work - by jokada (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

#1818447
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50782) - you deserved it (3444)

On 05/10/2009 at 4:36pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

#1815627
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (397883) - you deserved it (52928)

On 05/10/2009 at 3:01pm - animals - by catlady (woman) - United States (Washington)



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