FMLs submitted from United States

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

by MyFaceHurts / 08/03/2010 at 6:40am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

by Jesse from / 08/03/2010 at 6:21am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

by Doubleyew1 / 08/02/2010 at 7:43pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

by toomuchlove / 08/02/2010 at 7:32pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

by PCop / 08/02/2010 at 7:21pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

by hAHAha Halo / 08/02/2010 at 1:55pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Love

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

by Jay / 08/02/2010 at 1:23pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, my boyfriend decided to visit me at work. With another girl. FML

by ihateumicheal / 08/02/2010 at 11:37am / United States / Love

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2010 at 1:05am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2010 at 9:59pm / United States / Love

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

by bloodymatzaball / 08/01/2010 at 8:34pm / United States / Work

Today, I was coaching at a swim meet. I heard a few of my swimmers screaming about a huge wasp on my head, so I told everyone to stay calm because we didn't want to upset the wasp. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by another coach from our team hitting me repeatedly on the head with a clipboard. FML

by Doodle / 08/01/2010 at 8:20pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

by manicmandy / 08/01/2010 at 4:24pm / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous