FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was changing in the back seat of my new truck when it started to roll backwards. In my haste to reach the brake, I hit my head and fell face first into the steering wheel. I then realized that it wasn't rolling. The car next to me was just pulling out. FML

by milhouse86 / 09/27/2010 at 3:22pm / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I am a 22 year old male with a 11:00 pm curfew. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2010 at 11:58am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2010 at 11:07am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

by lovelife / 09/27/2010 at 9:09am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2010 at 7:45am / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2010 at 3:03am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

by stranded / 09/27/2010 at 1:56am / United States (Michigan) / Transportation

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML

by youaresodumb / 09/27/2010 at 12:19am / United States (Alabama) / Intimacy

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

by amorousintx / 09/26/2010 at 7:58pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2010 at 7:52pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

by lyssuhhhh / 09/26/2010 at 7:14pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he needed to be more responsible, and stop relying on me for everything. When I told him to leave, he told me he needed some gas money. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2010 at 3:20am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I found out that my best friend's mom doesn't wear pyjamas when I got up to go get a glass of water in the middle of the night, at the same time she did. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2010 at 1:45am / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous