FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML

by Soaked / 05/20/2010 at 11:20am / United States (Indiana) / Kids

Today, my mom bought me some expensive Japanese candy. I opened it, and saw that each chewy candy was wrapped in a thin, hard to peel off wrapper. After trying to get each wrapper off, I determined they were unopen-able and threw them away. I then read the box, saying the wrappers were edible. FML

by Candy / 05/20/2010 at 8:37am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

by life sucks / 05/20/2010 at 1:12am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML

by Rich / 05/19/2010 at 4:43pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, after racing home with a jumbo package of toilet paper, I ran into my house to go to the bathroom. I then realized I'd left the toilet paper in the car. FML

by phukt / 05/19/2010 at 2:42pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

by during / 05/19/2010 at 8:12am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

by green2black / 05/19/2010 at 3:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2010 at 1:05am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

by MisterT / 05/18/2010 at 9:23pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML

by Dana422 / 05/18/2010 at 1:22am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, me and a couple of friends decided to go camping in a national park . When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML

by Coyote / 05/17/2010 at 7:00pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML

by Zapped / 05/17/2010 at 7:09am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was driving, I saw my driving instructor from high school walking on the sidewalk. As I waved to him, I rear-ended the car in front of me. Guess I really showed him how much I learned from him. FML

by jcheer113 / 05/17/2010 at 12:10am / United States (New Hampshire) / Transportation