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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

#3711192
374 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20005) - you deserved it (81955)

On 07/13/2009 at 5:17am - intimacy - by air (woman) - United States (Utah)

Today, while eating a Subway sandwich, I was watching a comedian on TV. As he said his signature line, I laughed hysterically and accidentally snorted a jalapeño into my nose. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to snort out the little piece that got lodged into my nostril. FML

#3708472
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34878) - you deserved it (11409)

On 07/13/2009 at 2:17am - misc - by zombielover1 (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

#3706736
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21984) - you deserved it (41940)

On 07/13/2009 at 1:14am - misc - by greek_dancer (woman) - United States

Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML

#3705241
260 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8517) - you deserved it (79611)

On 07/13/2009 at 12:28am - love - by Terry (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

#3702834
43 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38955) - you deserved it (6958)

On 07/12/2009 at 11:15pm - money - by lobotomized (woman) - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

#3701383
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34805) - you deserved it (19640)

On 07/12/2009 at 10:30pm - misc - by Raaaaaaarrrrrr (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

#3698192
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40519) - you deserved it (19547)

On 07/12/2009 at 8:41pm - love - by Dee (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was at Target with my mom and we finished purchasing our items. We had gotten a fan so I said, "This thing is too big to fit in." First thing my mom yells? "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and starts laughing hysterically in front of the entire store. FML

#3692539
255 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45674) - you deserved it (11493)

On 07/12/2009 at 2:25pm - misc - by embarrassed (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

#3692472
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15881) - you deserved it (59368)

On 07/12/2009 at 2:18pm - love - by Zitty (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was "Best positions for a small penis." FML

#3691268
235 comments

I agree, your life sucks (84052) - you deserved it (13022)

On 07/12/2009 at 12:20pm - intimacy - by wtf (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off with. Then he admitted that he was a recovering heroin addict and had to cut our date short to go to the methadone clinic. When I got home, I realized that my wallet was missing $40. I think he lied about the "recovering" part. FML

#3689425
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42057) - you deserved it (4460)

On 07/12/2009 at 9:29am - love - by vividrabbit (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

#3687656
373 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45773) - you deserved it (21553)

On 07/12/2009 at 4:59am - misc - by whatrights - United States (California)

Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML

#3686221
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9243) - you deserved it (71078)

On 07/12/2009 at 3:07am - health - by Best-stuf-on-Earth (man) - United States (California)



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