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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

#4332975
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49436) - you deserved it (4396)

On 08/06/2009 at 11:40am - misc - by daddysboy123 (man) - United States (Maine)

Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML

#4332436
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41710) - you deserved it (6631)

On 08/06/2009 at 11:05am - misc - by Screwupify (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I punched my wife in the face, because she jumped out from behind the bedroom door in the dark. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm 21. FML

#4328474
238 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24752) - you deserved it (38207)

On 08/06/2009 at 3:58am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, it was just too hot. I stripped down and, being home alone, pranced around nude, lip synching and playing air guitar to some music. I was getting really into when I opened my eyes and looked out the window to see an old man with binoculars on his terrace. He wasn't birdwatching. FML

#4326549
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20358) - you deserved it (42620)

On 08/06/2009 at 2:04am - misc - by PeepShow (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

#4325647
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55680) - you deserved it (2702)

On 08/06/2009 at 1:28am - love - by gkline09 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike to the local grocery store to pick up some supplies for dinner. On the way down, traveling down a hill, I hit a drain with no lid. I went to grab hold of the nearest object to soften my fall. That nearest object was a barbed wire fence. FML

#4324727
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45890) - you deserved it (3194)

On 08/06/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by Lawrence (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

#4321339
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14227) - you deserved it (57274)

On 08/05/2009 at 11:04pm - animals - by dumbblonde (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was watching a movie with my new boyfriend. I got tired so I thought it would be cute to fall asleep on him. He woke me up and said "You got me wet" Thinking it was a joke, I said smoothly, "That's what she said" He replied "No really." I looked down, I'd drooled all over his shirt. FML

#4320217
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16420) - you deserved it (36771)

On 08/05/2009 at 10:23pm - misc - by drooler (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I had a job interview and things were going really well until I noticed the woman interviewing me staring at the inside of my elbow. I am recovering from a poison sumac rash, and each spot looks like a puncture wound from a syringe. I was dismissed before the interview was over. FML

#4318631
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41774) - you deserved it (3881)

On 08/05/2009 at 9:25pm - work - by caiti (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

#4317825
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (74724) - you deserved it (2960)

On 08/05/2009 at 8:47pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was opening and sorting mail for my boss as part of my job. One package was delivered to the office instead of his home by mistake, since his house is next door on the same property. I didn't notice until I had opened it. I had to hand my boss an opened box of toys. Kinky ones. FML

#4310988
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37028) - you deserved it (5731)

On 08/05/2009 at 3:36pm - work - by TMI (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went with my fiancé to meet his parents. He was really sweet the whole way there, and once we got there he introduced me as 'the girl I'm going to marry'. His parents took one look at me and said, "Are you sure?" I laughed, because I thought they were joking. They weren't. FML

#4309429
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45210) - you deserved it (2748)

On 08/05/2009 at 2:17pm - love - by kelizabeth (woman) - United States (Kansas)



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