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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was talking this guy I'm dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. I was joking. He then responded that he doesn't care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. He was serious. FML

#2499784
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17388) - you deserved it (47297)

On 06/01/2009 at 1:47pm - intimacy - by sweet_02 (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

#2499488
245 comments

I agree, your life sucks (105403) - you deserved it (4665)

On 06/01/2009 at 1:36pm - intimacy - by baron (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

#2498639
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (70207) - you deserved it (4846)

On 06/01/2009 at 12:44pm - intimacy - by crazystuff23 (man) - United States (California)

Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

#2496205
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56081) - you deserved it (6507)

On 06/01/2009 at 10:06am - intimacy - by TeeJay (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

#2495285
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41539) - you deserved it (4549)

On 06/01/2009 at 8:32am - misc - by Boarder - United States (New Jersey)

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

#2494614
170 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16510) - you deserved it (43977)

On 06/01/2009 at 6:46am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

#2492585
205 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45441) - you deserved it (6996)

On 06/01/2009 at 2:52am - misc - by crazyjohnny - United States (California)

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

#2491424
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36906) - you deserved it (9422)

On 06/01/2009 at 1:55am - love - by thanksbaby (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML

#2490084
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8301) - you deserved it (46772)

On 06/01/2009 at 1:10am - misc - by PulledOver (woman) - United States

Today, I was walking down the sidewalk and heard a little girl ask her dad why I had blue hair. He said, "Sometimes drugs will make people do stupid things." FML

#2485875
297 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38347) - you deserved it (35227)

On 05/31/2009 at 11:12pm - misc - by bluehairedfreakgirl (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

#2482852
193 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46905) - you deserved it (7492)

On 05/31/2009 at 10:05pm - love - by rain (man) - United States (West Virginia)

Today, my grandfather kept on asking me questions about my girlfriend and was obviously proud of the things he remembered about her. The only thing he couldn't remember is that we broke up. I had to talk with him about our 'great relationship' for over an hour. FML

#2480755
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35978) - you deserved it (3183)

On 05/31/2009 at 9:15pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

#2473573
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39442) - you deserved it (12220)

On 05/31/2009 at 6:09pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)



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