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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

#3939096
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47596) - you deserved it (4920)

On 07/21/2009 at 8:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

#3935872
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57799) - you deserved it (3249)

On 07/21/2009 at 6:17pm - kids - by GabsAlot829 (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

#3934975
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67565) - you deserved it (5077)

On 07/21/2009 at 5:38pm - intimacy - by Headphones (man) - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

#3933300
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16661) - you deserved it (35446)

On 07/21/2009 at 4:22pm - health - by torkx3 (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

#3932433
359 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54339) - you deserved it (27807)

On 07/21/2009 at 3:45pm - intimacy - by uh-oh (woman) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML

#3931223
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39579) - you deserved it (7826)

On 07/21/2009 at 2:53pm - misc - by NotSoClean (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

#3929849
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51760) - you deserved it (5776)

On 07/21/2009 at 1:45pm - love - by sexychica (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I left a note on the kitchen table saying to leave the door unlocked because I lost my key. I come home to find our house ransacked and robbed. Minutes later, I found my key. In my pocket. FML

#3929257
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11913) - you deserved it (54271)

On 07/21/2009 at 1:16pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

#3927246
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58705) - you deserved it (3300)

On 07/21/2009 at 11:19am - health - by Lemonhead (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

#3925036
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62147) - you deserved it (11468)

On 07/21/2009 at 6:42am - intimacy - by picturemenakedbaby (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

#3924296
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45374) - you deserved it (3013)

On 07/21/2009 at 4:49am - misc - by nottananny (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I was at the airport to catch a plane. It was very crowded at the gate and there was nowhere to sit except for a flat metal bench, so I sat on that. Turns out I was sitting on a luggage scale, so my weight was displayed for everybody to see. FML

#3921991
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17252) - you deserved it (41951)

On 07/21/2009 at 2:06am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

#3921202
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8525) - you deserved it (46568)

On 07/21/2009 at 1:32am - misc - by Thalassophobic (woman) - United States (New York)



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