FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

by Lauren Smith / 10/17/2010 at 12:52pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

by Ashley Marshburn / 10/17/2010 at 9:55am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

by baddoggy / 10/17/2010 at 4:13am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2010 at 2:28am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2010 at 1:55am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the doctor's office, they did their regular check up, and found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was a hickey from my boyfriend. FML

by hickhick / 10/17/2010 at 12:37am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2010 at 12:28am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2010 at 5:54pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

by married / 10/16/2010 at 8:31am / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I started some laundry late at night. Once my clothes were in the washer for about a half hour, I got bored and I decided I would listen to my iPod. After looking for it for another 15 minutes, I remembered where I'd left it; in my jacket... which is now nice and clean. FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2010 at 5:57am / United States (California) / Geek

Today, I was on an airplane that was experiencing some turbulence. Feeling anxious, I reached over and grabbed my husband's hand for comfort. He then said, "Why are you scared of dying? You're not even pretty." FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2010 at 2:44am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my 4 year old son told his preschool teacher that his daddy could pick up 10,000 cows but couldn't pick up his mommy because she was too heavy. I'm the mommy. FML

by princessj / 10/16/2010 at 1:50am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML

by Triumvirate / 10/16/2010 at 1:26am / United States (California) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.