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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

#2864467
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28462) - you deserved it (8716)

On 06/13/2009 at 6:16pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I gave a carpet shampooing demonstration in a stranger's home. To my surprise, the white expensive carpet was dyed grey due to something in the solution. The owner held me hostage in her house by barracading the door until my manager got there. FML

#2861063
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41339) - you deserved it (7570)

On 06/13/2009 at 3:47pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

#2860998
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7502) - you deserved it (44246)

On 06/13/2009 at 3:46pm - misc - by knoppad (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I logged into facebook for the first time in a month. I had only 3 new notifications, they were to tell me that the poker application I used on there "missed me" and wanted to give me 10,000 free chips. My poker app talks to me more than my friends. FML

#2856360
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37157) - you deserved it (5682)

On 06/13/2009 at 12:11pm - misc - by Facebook (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

#2853561
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46595) - you deserved it (2972)

On 06/13/2009 at 8:15am - love - by e.middlechild (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I introduced my ex-wife to my new girlfriend. They got along so well that my new girlfriend is going to my ex-wife's house tonight "just to hang out". FML

Today, for the first time in over a year, my mother actually called me. I excitedly picked up the phone. All I heard was rustling; her purse dialed me. FML

#2851443
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45494) - you deserved it (2529)

On 06/13/2009 at 3:10am - love - by slukaa (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

#2850957
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61444) - you deserved it (3895)

On 06/13/2009 at 2:40am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

#2848981
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37103) - you deserved it (6081)

On 06/13/2009 at 1:17am - love - by Anon (man) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

#2848917
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42548) - you deserved it (4753)

On 06/13/2009 at 1:16am - love - by iamrose (woman) - United States (West Virginia)

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

#2846826
213 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9789) - you deserved it (66420)

On 06/13/2009 at 12:09am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

#2842632
209 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18777) - you deserved it (66287)

On 06/12/2009 at 9:47pm - love - by Paco4242 (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

#2839886
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59839) - you deserved it (4009)

On 06/12/2009 at 8:10pm - love - by vickyxanne (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)



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