FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went over to my mother-in-law's house to have dinner. I was excited she invited me, since I thought she didn't like me. I ended up hanging her Christmas lights in a snowstorm while they had s'mores by the fire. FML

by heronlydaughter / 11/22/2010 at 10:58pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

by reesemaster / 11/22/2010 at 7:18pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he'd accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML

by anti-peecleaner / 11/22/2010 at 5:35pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Love

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 5:26pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

by linda / 11/22/2010 at 4:14pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 2:52pm / United States / Love

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 1:26am / United States (Kansas) / Transportation

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2010 at 9:51pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

by poomaster / 11/21/2010 at 9:33pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

by sydysyd / 11/21/2010 at 6:43pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2010 at 6:14pm / United States (Maine) / Intimacy

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patients room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

by BlackRavenWings / 11/21/2010 at 5:36pm / United States (West Virginia) / Work

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2010 at 2:07pm / United States (California) / Work