FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2010 at 7:04pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mouth did I find it was actually perfume. FML

by samboob / 09/01/2010 at 5:01pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML

by Jill Shanks / 09/01/2010 at 2:16am / United States / Intimacy

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2010 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

by WIno / 08/31/2010 at 10:46pm / United States (Alabama) / Health

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML

by NowHomeless / 08/31/2010 at 7:13pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2010 at 5:40pm / United States (Ohio) / Money

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

by ashlee / 08/31/2010 at 2:07pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, it's my nephew's second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He laughed and squirmed so much, he smashed his mouth on my desk. Two bloody hours at the hospital later, he has no two front teeth. FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2010 at 12:32pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

by teacher / 08/31/2010 at 10:50am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML

by ugly / 08/31/2010 at 8:11am / United States / Transportation

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

by grossfoot / 08/31/2010 at 2:14am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2010 at 1:21am / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy