FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2010 at 9:36pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, my 21 year old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2010 at 6:02pm / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2010 at 4:55pm / United States (Kentucky) / Kids

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

by dumbass1991 / 12/12/2010 at 2:36pm / United States (Washington) / Geek

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML

by riddick0846 / 12/12/2010 at 2:29am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, while parked at school, someone broke into my car by smashing the window. I called the police and they informed me I could drive it to the local station as it was an easy 2 minute drive. As I was driving there, I got pulled over for driving with a smashed window. FML

by unfortunatelyunlucky / 12/12/2010 at 2:17am / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend of almost two years proposed to me. Everything was perfect. The ring was beautiful. And seconds after I said yes he went to play his new xbox game. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2010 at 1:08am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, my dad called for the first time in six months. He needs someone to bail him out of jail. FML

by No one special. / 12/12/2010 at 12:28am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2010 at 9:20pm / United States (Montana) / Intimacy

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

by kingkarnie / 12/11/2010 at 8:55pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

by stifledbyyou / 12/11/2010 at 7:06pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, my family and I went Christmas tree shopping. My husband and I were walking around when I saw the perfect tree. Excited, we immediately bought it. When we got home and set it up, I realized it came with a present: termites. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2010 at 3:49pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

by blueberry_hill / 12/11/2010 at 11:16am / United States (Kansas) / Kids