FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 5:53pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

by Addicted2FML303 / 12/06/2010 at 5:50pm / United States (Utah) / Animals

Today, I found my iPhone. Too bad it was when I was getting my clothes out of the washer. FML

by Kris / 12/06/2010 at 3:31pm / United States / Geek

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 2:11pm / United States (Iowa) / Transportation

Today, I found out I have Raynaud's, a condition where your veins basically shut off all blood flow to your hands and feet if you get cold. Turns out "cold" for me is anything below 70 degrees. Oh, and I live in Ohio. FML

by iceicebaby / 12/06/2010 at 10:42am / United States (Ohio) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out a guy I work with has an eye twitch. I thought he was just a winker. I have been winking back all week. He either thinks I'm an asshole or am trying to seduce him. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 9:38am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I returned from a week-long vacation. My landlord told me he had let my boyfriend in my apartment to get something. I don't have a boyfriend. Everything in my apartment is gone. FML

by kenz / 12/06/2010 at 3:18am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was directing a video shoot of a big Christmas show with 750 people attending. After the first half of the show recorded; during intermission, I accidentally deleted the show as people were signing up to buy the DVD. FML

by kermudgen / 12/06/2010 at 12:00am / United States / Work

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 12:00am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer tried to pay for a $1.55 cup of coffee with a gift card, but he came up a dollar short. He let another customer through while he fumbled in his pocket for money. I later noticed a dollar had disappeared from my tip jar. FML

by barista / 12/05/2010 at 12:36pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

by Username / 12/05/2010 at 12:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

by Ed / 12/05/2010 at 8:53am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend of eleven months broke up with me, but adamantly insisted I didn't move out of our apartment, because he can't pay the rent alone. FML

by Jaded618 / 12/05/2010 at 7:48am / United States / Love