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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML

#4270687
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44536) - you deserved it (7040)

On 08/04/2009 at 12:15am - love - by just_a_bit_akwRd (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

#4267516
214 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59131) - you deserved it (8773)

On 08/03/2009 at 10:37pm - intimacy - by BeboKhaos (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend called me from her parents' house where she is visiting. They were BBQing outside when out of the blue her childhood friend Adam showed up at the door for the BBQ. She asked her parents why he was there, and her dad replied that he "wants her to know that she has options." FML

#4267489
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38417) - you deserved it (2471)

On 08/03/2009 at 10:36pm - love - by Brandon (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I got my first speeding ticket. Looking it over, I was surprised to see that the officer listed my height accurately despite never having seen me standing. I complimented his uncanny ability and asked if it was part of police training. He then informed me that he read it on my license. FML

#4264438
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6128) - you deserved it (54712)

On 08/03/2009 at 8:32pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was woken up by a loud noise, which I thought was an earthquake. It sounded like a car had driven right into my living room. Which was exactly what it was. FML

#4264267
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54683) - you deserved it (2087)

On 08/03/2009 at 8:25pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

#4260917
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45198) - you deserved it (3726)

On 08/03/2009 at 5:57pm - misc - by Stung (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I got a lovely little surprise after I got out of the shower. That lovely little surprise? I got stung in the scrotum by a hornet that had decided to nestle itself inside the towel I was drying off with. FML

#4256905
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51798) - you deserved it (2729)

On 08/03/2009 at 2:48pm - misc - by Tyler (man) - United States

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

#4256639
178 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51728) - you deserved it (6281)

On 08/03/2009 at 2:33pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. After a few minutes of conversing, he told me he didn't need to give me a ticket. He then asked for a date. I politely declined. After staring at me for a very long moment, he said "I think I'm going to have to give you that ticket after all." FML

#4255816
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44462) - you deserved it (24807)

On 08/03/2009 at 1:53pm - misc - by WearingOff (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She has been there all day. FML

#4255105
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44350) - you deserved it (3561)

On 08/03/2009 at 1:16pm - work - by Azcrazy (man) - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

#4253042
218 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39036) - you deserved it (35492)

On 08/03/2009 at 11:08am - work - by MickeyDManager (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

#4252851
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48687) - you deserved it (3429)

On 08/03/2009 at 10:50am - work - by Anonymous - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

#4252043
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36579) - you deserved it (5027)

On 08/03/2009 at 9:26am - animals - by Nikki (woman) - United States (Georgia)



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