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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. My doctor said it was okay to eat, so, I had some mashed potatoes. Apparently, my body disagreed with the doctor, because I threw up. Because my face was so swollen, it didn't make it out my mouth. It went through my nose instead. I literally blew chunks. FML

Today, I realized that my company's calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I made love to my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife's name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML

#3256249
290 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7599) - you deserved it (128490)

On 06/26/2009 at 9:32pm - work - by Fred (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

#3252753
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53249) - you deserved it (2726)

On 06/26/2009 at 7:36pm - misc - by Chedder (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I got marinara sauce on my new white shirt. I went in my desk for my Tide-To-Go pen and started using it on the spot. Turns out orange highlighters look a lot like Tide-To-Go pens when you don't look closely enough. FML

#3249982
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14675) - you deserved it (41616)

On 06/26/2009 at 6:03pm - misc - by Saucy (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I asked my mother if we could test me for OCD, since so many people have suggested to me that I might have it. She smiles at me and says, "No, honey, you're just really really weird." FML

#3246317
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38524) - you deserved it (6048)

On 06/26/2009 at 3:48pm - health - by sad_panda (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

#3241027
233 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41985) - you deserved it (25192)

On 06/26/2009 at 12:51pm - misc - by LondonKitsch (woman) - United States

Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML

#3237378
344 comments

I agree, your life sucks (93905) - you deserved it (8812)

On 06/26/2009 at 10:31am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I was excited about showing off my new haircut. All my friends thought it looked really good and it made me look older. What did my boyfriend think? He said I look like a little girl and he was afraid to kiss me in public because he didn't want someone to think he was a pedophile. FML

#3232883
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40789) - you deserved it (6527)

On 06/26/2009 at 4:09am - misc - by stupidgirlll - United States (Florida)

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

#3232657
686 comments

I agree, your life sucks (75706) - you deserved it (15335)

On 06/26/2009 at 3:57am - misc - by ILuvYouSoldiers (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

#3230818
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44073) - you deserved it (5753)

On 06/26/2009 at 2:43am - misc - by Ipickthegoodones (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

#3229865
298 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63022) - you deserved it (37025)

On 06/26/2009 at 2:13am - misc - by Jeweler (man) - United States (California)

Today, while working at a fast food restaurant, I stayed a little overtime to help my manager with dishes. A kid pooped in the slide in the playground area attached to the restaurant itself. I'm the smallest one there. I had to crawl UP the slide to find and clean the poop. FML

#3228837
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38322) - you deserved it (3104)

On 06/26/2009 at 1:43am - work - by donezo (man) - United States (Minnesota)



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