FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I have a huge meeting with the big executives of the company I work at. I have to be there in 10 minutes. I'm stuck on the toilet with the runs because I thought it would be a good idea to eat hot chicken wings last night. FML

by wtf_fml_0609 / 11/01/2010 at 12:43pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

by crazy_mom / 11/01/2010 at 11:10am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I spent over $160 and 2 hours preparing for a Halloween party I was throwing. The only person who showed up was my sister, who helped me decorate. FML

by halloweenless / 11/01/2010 at 9:14am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2010 at 9:00am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my dad, who lives hours away, called and told me he was getting married. Today. As in this evening. Guess I'm not invited. FML

by Googlebug / 11/01/2010 at 6:15am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, it was my big sister's birthday, and I was told the iPod I ordered her online was not coming due to a mix up. I drove to three different electronic stores before I found the one she wanted. After spending forever in traffic, I came home to find a package on my doorstep. It was her iPod. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2010 at 12:09am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

by halloweensucks / 10/31/2010 at 9:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got into a car accident. While getting my things out of the car to bring into the tow truck, I noticed the handcuffs from my Halloween costume were still in the trunk. The tow truck driver noticed before I did, because he smiled, winked, and asked if I needed any more help. FML

by jo1429 / 10/31/2010 at 5:27pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

by yeahno / 10/31/2010 at 12:10pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 11:34am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 5:05am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 12:25am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML

by Disappointed / 10/31/2010 at 12:06am / United States (New Jersey) / Work